forced realization.

Sometimes, I am such a fucking pain in the ass. I almost always speak in terms of what I dislike. I talk about the things that aren't going well in my life, and so often leave out the good parts. I shoot down simple suggestions like they're beyond absurd when I get into one of my moods. I've heard it from at least 4 different people in the past week. I'm such an unbelievable cynic; even a pessimist.

I can't keep on like this. I have plenty of things to be happy about in my life. Like... The Shins (currently playing, first thing that came to mind). I have amazing music, and plenty of new stuff to listen to, overall. I have people and a family that love me unconditionally. I made it into the U in the Cities, into the program I want. My life really isn't bad. Granted I don't need to be a mindless optimist, but...

I need to be better at this. I need to try harder.

i hate this kind.

The depressive, "Oh my gosh, my life is sooooo bad. Pay attention to me!", type of blog. You've all read them. But I really don't want this to be like that. I guess you've been warned. Go ahead and stop reading if you like. I just need to clear my head of all these disgusting thoughts.

I keep dreaming about the people that I don't even want to think about in daily life. For the sake of typing ease, I'll call them 1, 2, and 3. Who knows if I'll even reference them as I write this. Whatever. I'm too lazy to delete the sentence. I think a lot of this is just fear spilling over from other parts of my life. School stress, maybe. I have no idea. But it's scary. I wake up some mornings with 1, 2, 3, or a combination of them on my mind. And then, I feel this... paralysis, this... I don't even know how to explain. It's this lack of anything. But there's fear. And dread. I just feel stuck. And racing in my head are all of these thoughts related to confrontation with these three people. I don't ever want that. I don't want to have to face them. And chances are, I never will. The likelihood of me ever seeing 2 or 3 again in any setting where it's necessary that I interact is slim, but it frightens me more than I can explain. Only 1 is in my life in any sort of interaction-based relationship. Not that we ever really speak. Around 1, I swear I could be convinced that I'm just a piece of furniture.

ice.

The trees are all covered over.

It only reminds me of how fragile we are,
in the most beautiful way.

acceptance.

Hmm. Well, I figure anyone who reads this blog might already be aware... But, I got accepted to the College of Design's pre-arch program at the U of M Twin Cities campus for Fall '09. Honestly, I can't begin to express how excited I am about this fact. I've been getting through the current year in a town I don't particularly like... at a campus that isn't the right fit... in a degree program that was all wrong for me. But, this whole thing has sorted itself out. My transfer will go through, and I will be closer to home and some of the few people that really matter.

I've also found some pretty promising beginning-of-plans for renting an apartment downtown with a friend from high school. If it all works out, we'll be able to have a kitty, and a cute apartment! Yay. Haha, it's early to be celebrating, but hey. If it works out, it's going to be lovely.

Other news. Hmm. Uhh, well. Break is very nice. I needed this. I needed to be at home, and I needed to get away from school. It was driving me insane. But, once I get back there will only be 8 weeks left. Two months and I'll be free to come home again. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't happy about it.

Oh, and for the record: Joshua Radin is amazing.
Check out his stuff: http://www.myspace.com/joshuaradin

brand new day.

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down at me
And bathes me in its light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah, you make your past your past

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

--Joshua Radin.

content.

I was so unbelievably crabby yesterday and last night. And it really didn't help when Criminal Minds was not shown because the Duluth area looooooves hockey. But I'm over it. I'll see the episode once I am home :] I'm very excited for that.

The strangest thing happened this morning. I woke up feeling... happy. Not euphoric, but content. I was sleepy, but I didn't feel sleepy. It's really hard to explain this. I feel kind of silly trying to illustrate. But it was nice. Maybe this was my brain's way of pumping a boost of happy into my last day before I go home. Honestly, I think it helped to keep me sane. Right now, I can feel the sleepy coming back. In reality, that's fine with me. I could go for a nap soon-ish.

I have nothing to do tonight. Well, aside from the new episode of CSI and the new Eleventh Hour. (Haha, I'm a loser. I like waaaay too many crime dramas.) Well, I suppose that's a lie. I have to finish a blog update on distribution of information in China, and a forum post on the issues with information reliability. Both should be relatively short (a paragraph or so).

I'd really like to change the general template of this blog, but I can't find a decent one to alter. My HTML coding skills have apparently faded a bit. I'll be playing around with that, I suppose. So, if it gets ugly or difficult to read, let me know. Awesome. Thanks.

fuck duluth.

The Virginia hockey game is NOT more important than Criminal Minds. Go to hell.

I'm in a horrid mood.

dreams. wants. and criminal minds.

Last night, I dreamed that my mother told me I was too thin. She cried, and I didn't know what to do. Oddly enough, I ended up talking to an adviser of sorts for one of my scholarships about my weight. I think it bothers me more and more. I wish I could just gain the damn weight I wanted. Getting to be at least 100 lbs would be nice. But, apparently my body doesn't agree with my mind.

I also dreamed that I failed my Physics class. Not just the test I know I failed, but the whole course. It just stopped making sense, and nothing I did made it any more bearable or understandable. It scared me. Test scores come back on Friday, at the latest. I'm dreading seeing the number on mine. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to look. Heh. What an interesting start to break that might be.

I'm ready to go home. I really am. This snow is driving me mad. Yes, I'm aware of the snow at home, but at least more of the people that I care about are closer to home. I want out of this ridiculous cage of snow and ice. The cold is starting to sink in. Even the dorm has been colder than usual lately. I can never seem to get as warm as I'd like. Maybe that's all in my head. I wouldn't be surprised if it were. I miss my mother. I miss my father. I even miss my brother. And a few other people who would certainly know who they are. I'm definitely ready to go home.

Uhh, on a lighter note. There's a new episode of Criminal Minds tonight, and I have no other engagements. I'm very excited for it. Haha. I'm such a morbid crime-lover. Ah, well. Not my fault, originally.

i could have sworn.

You know those people that you wish would just leave your mind alone and stop haunting you..? Of course you do. We all do. I feel safe enough saying it. Strangely enough, this person was topic of a conversation I had last night. Maybe it's the the power of suggestion at work. Even though I knew this person wasn't possibly around, I was literally frightened when I saw someone who looked remotely similar in the halls today.

Or was I seeing a ghost?

rising from the ashes.

I don't even know where to begin. I suppose the beginning might be best? I've tried blogging in the past, but I can never really seem to keep it going. So, I suppose this can be a re-birth of sorts. I always hate to see a blank page. I don't know that I have much to write about at this point. Too many of the sentences in this post start with "I." Maybe I'll leave you with the latest little piece I wrote. That way the page won't be blank. I really do hate the blank pages most.

The night air is cold as we fold our delicate wings and fall softly against one another. Shivering brings warmth, but so does the contact. Our sighing breaths provide a rhythm; lulling us each into a hazy, dream-filled sleep. Even within the subconscious swirls of my mind; I know that I love you more than anyone else ever could. Stay with me, my little bird.

My little darling; won't you stay?