Resolution

"Everything that deceives may be said to enchant."
-Plato.

Well, I've fallen out from under your enchantment. You can't hold me anymore.

I'm free.

Spiral Staircases & Hundertwasserhaus.

So, I'm sitting around, waiting to meet with a group for a project assigned in my "Design & the Socio-Cultural Environment" class. As I wait, I've been looking around this amazing site called Trendir. Seriosuly, mind-blowing stuff. Lots of ultra-modern buildings, many of them sustainably designed. Very cool stuff. But anyway, I was browsing, and I came across this gorgeous spiral staircase. I doubt any of you know this, but I have a major thing for spiral staircases. And this one. Well, I want it. Enough said. When I have my own home, I will have a spiral staircase in it, even if I have have to built it myself. No joke, I love these things. Someday, someday.

On another note, as I was looking through the Trendir site, I got to thinking about one of my favorite buildings, the Hundertwasserhaus in Vienna, Austria. I know, I know. Austrian. It must just be because I have a history with the place. But no, really. This place is gorgeous. The photo doesn't nearly do it justice, but you might get the general idea. If I remember correctly, it was designed by an artist, so that explains the artsy facade. In any case, definitely one of my favorites. I haven't ever actually seen this place, which is a little upsetting, considering the number of opportunities I've had. Next time I go to Europe, I damn well better get to see it. Maybe I'll make a trip that'll basically be an architectural tour of Europe. That'd be amazing. Yum. Maybe my mama's architect friends in Vienna would go along. Then I'd have all sort of knowledge at my disposal. Hmm. That'd be nice. Very.

survival.

I think that this college transfer was probably one of the best things that I could have done for myself. It's odd though. Compared to last year, so far this all feels so much more... real. I don't know how to explain it. But, it does.

I've survived the public bus system without any trouble whatsoever, thankfully. Really, it's not so bad. I don't mind it all that much (so long as I have music with me). I have to admit, I'm proud of myself. I don't really know many people here, which isn't really a change from last year. Still, I feel at ease. Hopefully, the friendships will follow. Bur right now, I'm okay. I completely okay.

My classes are good. I have 3 architecture courses: Architectural History to 1750, Design in the Sociocultural Context, and The Designed Environment. I also have a class that fulfills my biology requirement called Biogeography in the Global Garden. So far, none of the classes seem too intense to handle. I'm looking forward to them, for the most part.

Let's hope this turns out to be a good year. I have some faith.

♥ S.

just cry, you need it.

Cry for the boy that they wouldn’t leave alone,
Cry because you never stood up to them.
Cry for fear of repetition of the past,
Cry because you can’t do a damn thing about it.
Cry for the future and its unknowns,
Cry because you’re already doing all that you can.

Cry for yourself and everyone else.

final days of summer.

You know, yesterday, I was going to write a very angry and upset blog. But I didn't, and I am glad I didn't. Looking back, it really wasn't worth venting over.

I am pretty excited that summer is ending, even though I know that in about a week or two, I'm going to wish I could just laze around some more like I've done all summer. Right now, I'm really ready to move on and feel like I'm actually doing something.

I think I'll be meeting some of my friends from Duluth on the TC campus later this week for Chinese food, which was a little tradition we had when we were still up in the frozen north. It should be nice to see them since I didn't see either throughout the whole summer.

More and more, I've realized how little attention I pay to this little online diary. But, really, a lot of the time I don't feel like the things floating around in my head are all that exciting to other people. I do keep up with other people's blogs, though (even if I don't comment, I do read them).

the format.

So, I was laying around in bed just now, and I couldn't seem to settle down enough to fall asleep like I wanted. You know, one of those moods where you just continually roll around and get no closer to sleep. Anyway, while I was endlessly failing at sleeping (funny concept, that is) a song got stuck in my head. I couldn't place it at first. And I couldn't remember the lyrics. I'm sure plenty of you experience this sort of obnoxious phenomenon often enough. I know I hate it, and I bet you do, too.

In any case, I finally figured out what it was (much to my relief). During this last winter, I really got into this band called The Format... well, ex-band, technically and tragically. In particular, I fell in love with their album titled "Interventions & Lullabies." The song that kept playing in my head as I tried to sleep was a track called I'm Ready, I Am. Click that title there to follow the link to a site where you can listen to the track. You can also click here for a lyrics page, if you're into that sort of thing.

So, that particular song is the whole reason for this blog, I guess. It's definitely one of my favorite songs (not like I don't have a whole bundle of songs I'm in love with, but you get the point). Over this last winter, this song definitely made life a little happier and more bearable when stuff got really messy. No worries, I'm not saying my life is messy right now. In fact, my life is much simpler than it has been in quite a while. But, I thought I'd share a song that means a lot to me with all of you. If you dig that particular track, let me know and I'd be happy to make a mix including it for you :] I haven't made many mixes lately, and it's something I enjoy. So hey, why not?

Oh, and, I love you all :]

wanted list.

So, lately, I wrote up a partial list of movies I've been wanting to see or have already seen & would like to buy. This isn't any sort of list intended to be viewed as a wish list. It's sort of just a personal reminder to myself of what I'd like to buy if I ever have some extra money.

Any other suggestions? So far, I have:

Benny & Joon.
Dead Poet's Society.
Elizabethtown.
I Am Sam.
The Notebook.
The Prestige.
The Royal Tenenbaums.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

of insomnia and criminals.

Blah. Once again, I take to the blog. And once again, I really don't have much to say. But, the need to type is more important to me right now than the necessity for interesting content. Sorry.

I've been having a really difficult time sleeping lately. Maybe I should try Melatonin. I've heard it works, but sleeping meds kind of scare me. Anyway, in the last week or so, I've been up until 3am, if not 4am. Yeah, not exactly a friendly time of night, err... morning. Either way, it's been irritating. I've been sleeping in 'til about 1 or 2pm on a pretty daily basis. Also not helpful, considering my sleeping pattern. No idea what to do about it. Just felt like complaining, I guess.

In other news, I finished my season 2 dvds of Criminal Minds. Upsetting, since I'm out of stuff to watch now (at least until I buy season 3). Actually, that's a lie. I should probably watch commentaries for the few episodes on seasons 1 and 2. That'd be interesting. I'll do that.

Well, I suppose I'm done boring you all (if anyone reads this silly thing).

I'm off to attempt sleep. Or to stare at Gubie the nightlight. Whichever works out. Haha.

mm, yellow starbursts.

Ha. Okay, so... I just ate like 13 yellow Starbursts in one sitting. I hope I don't puke. That'd be sucky, considering that I'm already sick. Not puking sick, but sneezy-coughy-breathy sick. And I got McDonald's. Which was nummy.

In other news. Criminal Minds season 2 arrived in the mail a bit ago, which is awesome! BUT, the little round circles in the center that keep the disc in place have broken claws. Aww. Makes me sad. The discs are fine, which is what matters, eh? I'm really excited to watch the episodes, but I do need to go back to season 1 and finish that up. I hate going out of order. Woo!

I'm outta intelligent (or less-than-intelligent) input.

This ends the "qweepy brog." Have a nice day :]

just an update.

I guess I haven't been up to much lately. But, I felt like typing. Typing is nice. Even therapeutic sometimes, wouldn't you say? In any case, here I am... typing. Maybe I'll just go with stream of consciousness for a bit. There's not much reason to this update at this point.

Current thoughts: Matthew Gray Gubler, Criminal Minds, Lars & the Real Girl, kittens, collages, messy room, architecture books, sleepiness, insomnia, dark, nightlight.

Hmm. All right, so. Fun fact, maybe: I ordered Criminal Minds Season 2 off of amazon.com the other day, along with The Science of Sleep. I'm really excited for both of those orders to arrive. They're sort of early birthday presents to myself since I'm not sure what exactly (if anything, at all) I'm doing for my birthday this year. Nineteen seems like such an odd inbetween number. It's just past 18 and adulthood, but it's not quite out of those pesky, awkward teenage numbers.

Agh! Another fact: I lost my entire little pack of Gameboy Advance and Gameboy Color games somewhere :( I never lose things, and of course it has to be something of high sentimental value. So, I suppose I'll put out a description, because maybe some of you have seen it around your homes or someplace. All of the games are shoved into a clear zip pouch with a black zipper. There's some random German printing in one of the lower corners on the front. It's nothing fancy or noticeable, but I figured I should at least try to find it. Sigh.

Anyway, I think that's about all I have to talk/complain about for now. Ha.

Oh, I lied! I almost got run over while walking today by an old lady in her stupid, silver car today when walking by the high school. How does that happen?! I had a 'WALK' light, and she defininitely wasn't looking, or paying attention. Scary. I hate people who don't watch what they're doing.

moulin rouge; realizations.

I watched Moulin Rouge tonight, for the first time in probably what is over a year at this point. Anyway, the time lapse is irrelevant. What's relevant is this: The ending of this movie scares me. Not in the 'OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO PISS MYSELF' sort of way. I mean in that somber, quiet, contemplative way. More specifically:

I'm afraid that I'm going to die of some incurable disease before I can marry the man I love and have beautiful babies. I'm afraid that I won't get to live a simple life in a beautiful home.

I'm afraid that I'll die before I even get the chance to live my life.

take a breath.

Eh. I feel like my life if in disarray. The fact that my floor is still covered in boxes probably doesn't help... But hopefully my little break from most of reality will sort that all out. It'd be nice, to say the least. In general, I'd like to feel some amount of permanence in my own room rather this odd sense of just being dropped into it.

To be honest, being around people has had a weird effect on me lately. I'd rather be alone. Or with Taylor. Probably because being around him requires no effort on my part. We can sit around together, or do our own thing for a while. It doesn't require major amounts of interaction if we're not really looking for it. But, then again, it's not being alone. I don't enjoy being alone. Sadly, (for me at least) I'll have to go a few days without.

And, on that note: I'm taking the few days for myself. Not sure how many, or to what extent. I have a few books to read. Maybe I'll make a trip to the library with my mother. Or an IKEA trip and buy some new stuff for my room. It feels oddly mismatched, which is irrelevant.

I just need to breathe, get away from life and effort for a few days.

a mix of happy :]

So, I made myself this mix in early February, and I'm rather fond of it. I have no idea if anyone is even remotely interested, but I figured it couldn't hurt to share.

1. I'd Rather Be With You- Joshua Radin.
2. All We Are- Matt Nathanson.
3. Something to Believe In- Aqualung.
4. Stars & Boulevards- Augustana.
5. She Is- The Fray.
6. Hands Open- Snow Patrol.
7. Nothing Left To Lose- Mat Kearney.
8. Lucky- Jason Mraz (ft. Colbie Caillat).
9. Tailor Made- Colbie Caillat.
10. Sunday Best- Augustana.
11. Naked As We Came- Iron & Wine.
12. Sky- Joshua Radin.
13. Can't Go Back Now- The Weepies.
14. Take It From Me- The Weepies.
15. Skinny Love- Bon Iver.
16. Banana Pancakes- Jack Johnson.
17. Shut Your Eyes- Snow Patrol.
18. Sticky-Sweet- Erin McCarley.
19. Field Below- Regina Spektor.
20. Love Song- Tilly & the Wall.
21. Pink Light- Laura Veirs.
22. Someone Else's Life- Joshua Radin.

It makes me happy when I'm sad. It makes me calm when I'm nervous. It's kinda just one of those perfect mixes for pretty mornings.
If you want a copy, let me know :]

they say home is where the heart is.

Being home is odd. Actually, no. I take that back. Feeling semi-sad when I left Duluth was odd. Granted, I don't know if I was sad to be leaving the town, or leaving the situation. I feel like I waited too long to write about this. It all seems fuzzy at this point. (Or maybe that's just my allergies?) Heh. I don't know. In any case, being home is nice. It just doesn't feel too much like home with all of the boxes littering the floor. I'm hoping to get that all taken care of soon... Once I stopping running around from one place to the next.

On another, semi-related note: I'd like to redo my bedroom. Maybe repaint, buy some new furniture, move some stuff out. We'll see how that goes.

rescheduling a final?!

I DON'T THINK SO.

Ugh. Okay, so. Story:
I show up for my Women Writers final at 2pm today. A few other people are there, and they look pissed. One of the girls informs me that the final got moved to Wednesday at 2pm. For a second I think she's joking until she points to a small piece of paper about the size of 1/8th of a full printer page what says exactly that. So, I was supposed to leave this fucking place on Tuesday evening, and now, unless my professor actually reads her e-mail and checks her voicemail and agrees to my suggestion that I take this damn final electronically... I'm going to be stuck up here in an empty room waiting for a stupid fucking final on Wednesday that could have been done today. In all reality, I doubt she'll read her fucking e-mail, so I'm most likely stuck up here.

Fuck!

Update: Yep. Stuck here until Wednesday at about 4pm. Funny what a ridiculously trivial change can do to a week. Grr.

16 days.

Only a few more days. Only a few. Then I can be free of this place. Really, I can't say I hate it here anymore. But, I still feel out of place. Soon, I suppose I won't have to. I only wish I could have allowed myself to blend into the weave more than I did. That can't be fixed now, but I think I'm okay with that.

I'll be home soon.

sunday, bloody sunday.

Okay, okay. So, I've this stupid metaphor, simile, however I phrase it, stuck in my head for nearly a week. And, you lucky people who read it, I'm sorry. Haha. Just needed to get it down somewhere.

Sunday is a religious day, yes? Easter. Jesus died, was buried, and resurrected. While I don't know if I can consider myself a Christian anymore, I know the story (as most of you probably do, as well). In any case, I was sitting around considering this whole... saga, I suppose. And I realized that Sunday bears an entirely different sort of resurrection in my life. Sunday heralds the return of someone I hope to never see again. Only seems fitting that he, of all the "dead" in my life, would rise up from the metaphorical dead on a religious holiday. Oh, the irony. (I bet most of you have no idea what or who I am talking about. Sorry about that.)

This is one resurrection I'd rather never see.

forced realization.

Sometimes, I am such a fucking pain in the ass. I almost always speak in terms of what I dislike. I talk about the things that aren't going well in my life, and so often leave out the good parts. I shoot down simple suggestions like they're beyond absurd when I get into one of my moods. I've heard it from at least 4 different people in the past week. I'm such an unbelievable cynic; even a pessimist.

I can't keep on like this. I have plenty of things to be happy about in my life. Like... The Shins (currently playing, first thing that came to mind). I have amazing music, and plenty of new stuff to listen to, overall. I have people and a family that love me unconditionally. I made it into the U in the Cities, into the program I want. My life really isn't bad. Granted I don't need to be a mindless optimist, but...

I need to be better at this. I need to try harder.

i hate this kind.

The depressive, "Oh my gosh, my life is sooooo bad. Pay attention to me!", type of blog. You've all read them. But I really don't want this to be like that. I guess you've been warned. Go ahead and stop reading if you like. I just need to clear my head of all these disgusting thoughts.

I keep dreaming about the people that I don't even want to think about in daily life. For the sake of typing ease, I'll call them 1, 2, and 3. Who knows if I'll even reference them as I write this. Whatever. I'm too lazy to delete the sentence. I think a lot of this is just fear spilling over from other parts of my life. School stress, maybe. I have no idea. But it's scary. I wake up some mornings with 1, 2, 3, or a combination of them on my mind. And then, I feel this... paralysis, this... I don't even know how to explain. It's this lack of anything. But there's fear. And dread. I just feel stuck. And racing in my head are all of these thoughts related to confrontation with these three people. I don't ever want that. I don't want to have to face them. And chances are, I never will. The likelihood of me ever seeing 2 or 3 again in any setting where it's necessary that I interact is slim, but it frightens me more than I can explain. Only 1 is in my life in any sort of interaction-based relationship. Not that we ever really speak. Around 1, I swear I could be convinced that I'm just a piece of furniture.

ice.

The trees are all covered over.

It only reminds me of how fragile we are,
in the most beautiful way.

acceptance.

Hmm. Well, I figure anyone who reads this blog might already be aware... But, I got accepted to the College of Design's pre-arch program at the U of M Twin Cities campus for Fall '09. Honestly, I can't begin to express how excited I am about this fact. I've been getting through the current year in a town I don't particularly like... at a campus that isn't the right fit... in a degree program that was all wrong for me. But, this whole thing has sorted itself out. My transfer will go through, and I will be closer to home and some of the few people that really matter.

I've also found some pretty promising beginning-of-plans for renting an apartment downtown with a friend from high school. If it all works out, we'll be able to have a kitty, and a cute apartment! Yay. Haha, it's early to be celebrating, but hey. If it works out, it's going to be lovely.

Other news. Hmm. Uhh, well. Break is very nice. I needed this. I needed to be at home, and I needed to get away from school. It was driving me insane. But, once I get back there will only be 8 weeks left. Two months and I'll be free to come home again. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't happy about it.

Oh, and for the record: Joshua Radin is amazing.
Check out his stuff: http://www.myspace.com/joshuaradin

brand new day.

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down at me
And bathes me in its light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah, you make your past your past

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I'll be okay

--Joshua Radin.

content.

I was so unbelievably crabby yesterday and last night. And it really didn't help when Criminal Minds was not shown because the Duluth area looooooves hockey. But I'm over it. I'll see the episode once I am home :] I'm very excited for that.

The strangest thing happened this morning. I woke up feeling... happy. Not euphoric, but content. I was sleepy, but I didn't feel sleepy. It's really hard to explain this. I feel kind of silly trying to illustrate. But it was nice. Maybe this was my brain's way of pumping a boost of happy into my last day before I go home. Honestly, I think it helped to keep me sane. Right now, I can feel the sleepy coming back. In reality, that's fine with me. I could go for a nap soon-ish.

I have nothing to do tonight. Well, aside from the new episode of CSI and the new Eleventh Hour. (Haha, I'm a loser. I like waaaay too many crime dramas.) Well, I suppose that's a lie. I have to finish a blog update on distribution of information in China, and a forum post on the issues with information reliability. Both should be relatively short (a paragraph or so).

I'd really like to change the general template of this blog, but I can't find a decent one to alter. My HTML coding skills have apparently faded a bit. I'll be playing around with that, I suppose. So, if it gets ugly or difficult to read, let me know. Awesome. Thanks.

fuck duluth.

The Virginia hockey game is NOT more important than Criminal Minds. Go to hell.

I'm in a horrid mood.

dreams. wants. and criminal minds.

Last night, I dreamed that my mother told me I was too thin. She cried, and I didn't know what to do. Oddly enough, I ended up talking to an adviser of sorts for one of my scholarships about my weight. I think it bothers me more and more. I wish I could just gain the damn weight I wanted. Getting to be at least 100 lbs would be nice. But, apparently my body doesn't agree with my mind.

I also dreamed that I failed my Physics class. Not just the test I know I failed, but the whole course. It just stopped making sense, and nothing I did made it any more bearable or understandable. It scared me. Test scores come back on Friday, at the latest. I'm dreading seeing the number on mine. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to look. Heh. What an interesting start to break that might be.

I'm ready to go home. I really am. This snow is driving me mad. Yes, I'm aware of the snow at home, but at least more of the people that I care about are closer to home. I want out of this ridiculous cage of snow and ice. The cold is starting to sink in. Even the dorm has been colder than usual lately. I can never seem to get as warm as I'd like. Maybe that's all in my head. I wouldn't be surprised if it were. I miss my mother. I miss my father. I even miss my brother. And a few other people who would certainly know who they are. I'm definitely ready to go home.

Uhh, on a lighter note. There's a new episode of Criminal Minds tonight, and I have no other engagements. I'm very excited for it. Haha. I'm such a morbid crime-lover. Ah, well. Not my fault, originally.

i could have sworn.

You know those people that you wish would just leave your mind alone and stop haunting you..? Of course you do. We all do. I feel safe enough saying it. Strangely enough, this person was topic of a conversation I had last night. Maybe it's the the power of suggestion at work. Even though I knew this person wasn't possibly around, I was literally frightened when I saw someone who looked remotely similar in the halls today.

Or was I seeing a ghost?

rising from the ashes.

I don't even know where to begin. I suppose the beginning might be best? I've tried blogging in the past, but I can never really seem to keep it going. So, I suppose this can be a re-birth of sorts. I always hate to see a blank page. I don't know that I have much to write about at this point. Too many of the sentences in this post start with "I." Maybe I'll leave you with the latest little piece I wrote. That way the page won't be blank. I really do hate the blank pages most.

The night air is cold as we fold our delicate wings and fall softly against one another. Shivering brings warmth, but so does the contact. Our sighing breaths provide a rhythm; lulling us each into a hazy, dream-filled sleep. Even within the subconscious swirls of my mind; I know that I love you more than anyone else ever could. Stay with me, my little bird.

My little darling; won't you stay?